april 29
i slept all day.
well, most of the day.
this is what I've come to, in my desperation to avoid my mother.

april 30
wouldn't the word april look so much prettier if it was spelled apryl? I think that.
Need to finish the rest of my Writing 11 papers.
i like wearing sunglasses a lot.

may 3rd
i wore my lyric jeans today, the last ones I had made, which in my opinion are terrible - for various reasons beyond talent, including resources and incompleteness.
but Lucas' mom really liked them. she's really artsy, which is why I like her so much. and it was so depressing that I could only tell her about my first emo jeans which were really great, and my rainbow checkered jeans...
I was telling my mom this and she says she only threw out one pair, which is an utter lie. and then she said they were on the floor, which I know is also bullshit because I purposely hid those jeans so she wouldn't throw them away.
anyway, the just... bullfuck part of this is I realized that I was still really bitter about this. those jeans, as I said to her, (the rainbow ones anyhow), were my best piece of art; my trademark piece of clothing; my most proud piece of my wardrobe; hours upon hours of time invested; countless occasions in which I was mocked for something I poured my heart into... and she didn't care. All she cared was "you ass hanged out of them". Which is fucking ridiculous because I told her, when I still had them, that I was going to use the rainbow part of those jeans on a project, please don't throw them away, I won't wear them as they are, I swear... and yet she threw them away anyway.
And as I was saying this - telling her, "They were my greatest work of art" my voice broke and I started crying and she.. she didn't even notice. She was watching a movie, and didn't even listen to me when I said it.

I'm so fucking tired of this. I wake myself up, I get ready for school, walk, go through stupid.. I fucking hate school, then I go to my afterschool activities (lately just BPA and working out), and come home, exhausted. she bitches at me to clean if she's awake, and if she's asleep (nine times out of ten) I tip-toe around the house trying not to wake her up and piss her off.
then she goes to work. and I try to clean, or do my homework, or practice baritone with a fucking shirt or towel in it because I can't practice when she's home. and sleep.

wash, rinse, repeat.
whenever I have a concert or BPA function or something, she doesn't come. She never asks about school or even how I'm doing. she tells me to pay the phone bill, pay the credit card bill, mail out the rent check, clean (liter-fucking-ly) every room in the apartment, go grocery shopping, do the laundry, put the dishes away. She says I need to get rid of my clothes because there's too much; make her coffee every day at nine thirty before she goes to work; put on a movie when I get home because I woke her up and she needs to go back to sleep; and "CLEAN YOUR FUCKING ROOM!" I only take out garbage four times a month, why is it never out on time? Because I have to walk a block to get to the garbage and walk a block back. usually with three bags, because we throw away so much shit. can't I just keep the living room clean? do I ever vacuum? there's so much hair everywhere. Clean off your bed. Put the futon up. The garbage is RIGHT there, why is there garbage next to it? You're so expensive!

...I'm just so exasperated. I avoid my house like the plague. I've gotten to a point where I use the computer (and subsequently because it's the only thing I do on the computer) and the internet maybe an hour or two a day, tops, because I don't want to be home. she's just always sleeping, and if she's not sleeping she's smoking and complaining.

"here, load this [laundry basket] up." Of course. How could I ever expect anything different?

the eighth graders in my band make fun of me. so do the tenth graders in Bio. I'm so pathetic, not even my age/grade can rescue me from it.

Whatever. I'm in a better mood, actually, now that I did all that ranting. and I feel a little better also because I remembered that Rosie, Lucas' mom, gave me a bag full of paints and brushes. :3 that's my inspiration to clean my room. I want to tack up a big square of paper, (and I mean it when I say big), on my wall and just paint.

need to clean first.
here I go.
cleaning the apartment.
again.
my mother says I never clean.. yet I feel like I'm always cleaning. it just never makes a difference. it'll look exactly the same as it did yesterday, tomorrow.

may 3rd (later)
you know what I miss more then anything?
The way I used to feel when I listened to music I really liked.
where you want to scream along, and you can't get it out of your head, and you just can't get bored of it.
I'm bored of my entire music collection.
I have over nine days (ironic) of music on my iTunes. MUSIC I ACTUALLY LISTEN TO. I'm tired of people being like "oh yea well I have like ten weeks on my iTunes". yea well I know the words to a good 95% of my iTunes collection. How about you?
but the point is
when I think: what do I want to listen to?
there's only a few bands I really listen to right now, and sometimes, like now, I'm just not in the mood for it. that'd be Nirvana, Say Anything, The Beatles, Justin Timberlake, Pink Floyd, Incubus, Nine Inch Nails, Chevelle and the Phantom of the Opera OST.
oh well.
time to clean some more.

may 7th
high C high Bflat Aflat G F Eflat F G high C high Bflat Aflat G F E... F! F F! E F!
the concert was great. and fun, too. I was nervous. but I think we did good. our section messed up in Sing, Sing, Sing but it's okay.
Pirates was amazing.
Aaron was early for In The Valley of the Ancients. and wow was it obvious. if I was him, I'd be beating myself up for it.
but oh well.
today was interesting too.
mmm music time.